Hi Everyone! I just want to start out today with an apology. I was suppose to post on Thanksgiving and I totally forgot so it’s been a while. So much has gone on in the last month that I don’t think that I could truly bring you all up to date. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving and went right into the Farmgirl Flea out at Countryside Greenhouse. It was our first year and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves! There is just something about filling an empty space completely full of Christmas cheer that will brighten just about anyone’s day!
Ethan and I have learned a lot about ourselves as well as the vendor community after being in three fleas this fall. There is a sense of belonging, purpose and family. Our booth was across from The Wooligans, a booth that sold hand made mittens. Those women are considered family now. We laughed, teased and created relationships that we hope last for a very long time. But that never would have happened, unless we opened our hearts and made ourselves available to accept something new.
After the Flea, our family had a straight week of no obligations. There was not a single thing that we HAD to get done, but more things that we could work on if we had the gumption. To be honest, that has been the hardest week for me in a long time. It gave me time to think, time to contemplate our life and my own heart. With our busy schedules, it is so easy to let feeling get bottled up and say “Oh, I will deal with that later.” But with no distractions, all of those feelings came smashing out of their neatly wrapped container and the dam broke. Ethan didn’t recognize the woman he married and the boys were so utterly confused as to where their momma went.
I found myself angry. Venting about my friends and family. Their life choices and how I didn’t approve. Ethan would sit quietly and listen, letting the angry words roll off of him. After the fountain of hatred slowed to a drip, he put his arms around me, holding me as sobs wracked my whole body. We chatted then and as he spoke I realized that I wasn’t angry at our friends and family. They were merely an excuse to get angry and act like a child. The more we talked the more I realized that I was unhappy with the way our personal life was. I saw my friends, living a single life and trying things that I would love to do, and I was jealous. Frustrated that we had little men at home who needed their mommy to tuck them in at night and to wake up early to snuggle. Sounds ridiculous right?
After that night, I didn’t see waking up early as an inconvenience, but more of a gift. A quiet time to snuggle and soothe the little men that God has entrusted to us for safe keeping. More time was spent on the floor, working puzzles, playing cars or reading Christmas books. Are there still times when I wish I had the ability to just go out for pizza or head for the gym on a whim? EVERYDAY! Those days will come. Those times will come when I can’t get the teenagers out of bed or when I can’t wait for them to come home so that I can hear about their day. But for now, we are taking it one day at a time.
Going through this has been a wonderful reminder of the importance of check ups. A time to reevaluate where you are at. A time of celebration to claim those small victories as well as a time to see where improvement needs to happen. For me, I am working on dealing with my feelings as they come. Confront what makes you uncomfortable right then and there. There is no time anymore to let things fester. That is a true poison and will do so much more damage than you realize.
My challenge to you all as we are two weeks out from Christmas, is to clean house. Check in to see where your heart is and start mending the cracks one at a time. We all have them and there is no shame in admitting that. Find someone to talk to, to share your feelings and to help you take the next step to healing. Talk to me if you need to, I would love to hear from you. Have a great two weeks, and a very Merry Christmas. Now, I’m off to do some repair work with my best friend! Remember to open up that heart!
My personal email if you would like to chat: hjjlsbv@gmail.com
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